About HIM, About me being selfless and about my broken heart

Laying on my bed makes me think about everything in my life.. Which actually is not much so I get to overthink about the same thing over and over again. And that my friends is really tiring.. 

What am I overthinking about? HIM! He is sending me mixed signs all days... 'Because I was worried' 'you are a great person' 'we have to hang out again' and then he sends me boring answers and talks about someone else with more interest and makes me feel like a back up plan... I truly don't want to feel like that but I like him... More than I'm willing to admit because it makes me sad, depressed and mostly vulnerable... That's it! It makes me vulnerable, because I'm willing to do everything to make him happy even if that is not my happiness, I am like that, always was and I believe I will always be like that -selfless... And what's the point of finding love if that only makes you feel empty because the other person hasn't found the same 'love' as you did? There isn't any point in that... Just makes you heart broken... Again...

But back to HIM, he is gone for a week, walking all day long with his friends and has more chances of meeting new people than me on a party full of people that I have never seen in my life. And what's wrong with that? I don't want him to meet someone more interesting than me, that makes him forget about me (in his way of not forgetting me) and leave me more broken heart... I am being selfish and denying his rights of meeting people and make friends, but I want my chance with him, and I haven't felt like this for someone for quite a long time... And that scares me more... Until what point in my life am I going to continue to be this selfless person that chooses everyone's happiness over mine? Because I want to be ready to choose my life's happiness but I don't want to become the selfish brat that my grandma says I am... Because I know that right now I'm not that person (the selfish brat) but I know I can be... And that scares me too...

My heart has been broken so many times, that I can't even imagine how can we carry on, because the truth is, I am still here every day with my heart broken and I still can breath and get out of bed to start a new day... And every day I see people who:

• had their heart broken but they put it back together;

• have their heart broken and are trying to put it back together;

• have their heart broken and are waiting to find someone that helps them put it back on;

• have never had their heart broken and have this perfect life. 

 And then I see Me, the girl with the heart broken who is willing to put it back together but can't find any strength or reason that helps that process...

Why does everyone gets the happy life and I get the sad and broken one? Has someone forgot that I deserve some happy days? Because I don't wish for anybody's sadness, I just wish I could be happy... Or at least be willing to let my self be happy again ...