update

nothing has changed, nothing... 
I didn't get to medical school, I got my heart broken again, i'm still living in the same place, and i still don't know what to do with my life ..

Just an update 

Spreading love, 
~Bá

End of freshman year

It's been a year since I started this new roller-coaster! I've been down for a while, I've been up, really happy with my life, and now I'm just between getting down or getting up... (This kind of scares me a bit, because I'm unstable)

I'm re-doing national exams to try to get to medical school, again... But I'm also doing finals at college just to be sure that I can carry on with my life if I don't get in again. (I'm a nursing student right now, but I'm not sure that's what I wanna do with my life)

There was no special boy this year, which for me is quite odd, but I think it is for the best, since I don't have that as a preoccupation too. Non the less, it is still odd to look back and realize that when I always had some boy on my mind to keep me occupied.

I feel more alone than ever, to be honest, because even though I have loads of people, who I care about deeply,  surrounding me everywhere I go I feel like I have no one. I'm guessing that is the definition of growing up. I wish it wasn't.

I feel so old for someone who is just 19...

Spreading love,
-Bá (aka Moony)

Update

I started college...
I don't know if I want to stay in this college (because I'm not sure this is what I want)
I finished my freshman year with 'praxe' which made it one of the best years of my life (and I've seen way too much already)
New friends, new habits, new everything
Still single
But guess what??? -I'm happy now!! Or almost, which we all know it is saying way too much for me!!!

I'm going to bed now because I've slept more or less 18h in 120h (5 days)!!! I don't work when I haven't slept that well!!

-spreading love
Bá 😊

"Estou..." relatos de uma mente cheia e confusa

O que eu escrevi em modo autista para a minha amiga hoje.

nota: está muito confuso, basicamente a minha mente funciona assim: é um turbilhão de emoções e sentimentos mas que eu não os consigo expressar!!

"Faltam 3 meses eu estou a dar em louca!! Já não me aguento nesta casa... Só consigo estudar na facultis mas ando mesmo a estudar a sério!!! Não quero ficar louca outra vez !!! Estou assustada e não consigo mais ouvir os meus pais... Não quero voltar aos medicamentos... Não quero precisar disso!!! Descobri que tenho boa memória nos últimos meses, descobri como a usar!! Não sabes como ler livros faz com isso aconteça!!! Já sei ler uma vez as cenas e ficar com luzes fortes!!! Tenho cada vez mais dias de autismo. Já sei responder a respostas de desenvolvimento de biologia e geologia!!! Com os tópicos todos e com cada vez menos falhas científicas!!!!

Eu não sei o que quero!!!!

Não sou boa a manter contacto eu sei... Mas eu sempre fui assim, as saudades fazem com que eu fale menos... Dou em louca depois assim..

Wow consegui começar a escrever no momento que foste dormir!! Incrível...

Estou triste... E não sei bem com o quê... Se é com alguma coisa se é com o mundo.

Estou cansada de ser a gaja dos dramas... Estou cansada de ser sempre eu que tenho que falar com pessoas para conseguir continuar a andar... Estou tão exausta disto tudo pah... E o pior é que por mais que eu queira deixar de me importar não consigo!! Já tentei... Com tanta gente que não interessa a ninguém e no entanto continuo pelo menos curiosa.."

Spreading love,

-Bá (now aka moony)

ps: you need to check if you're alive ? check your pulse !! feel your heart beating .. it helps. 

Stupid boy that stole my heart and hasn't given it back...

I fell in love in march, but I didn't say it out loud since boys are supposed to say it first, right? Whatever... The thing is he broke my heart and he never looked back.... And I still have feelings for him... Between love and hate, but they are feelings. And I hate him for that... For having my heart and he won't let it go. And now he has a girlfriend.... And here am I still alone, fighting me and life... it's not fair... Not when I have so much in my back.... It's not fair...

I haven't talked to him since we broke up and I can't forget him. Why?

I feel so sad and depressed and scared... Scared for most !!

Spreading love,
   -Bá

after love, sex and heart broken

remember how i told you that I had a crush on this guy ? 

remember how I thought he would never care about me like I did care about him? well turns out he did, because we were an item for a month and 10 days (yup i am the kind of girl that counts days). I think I fell for him, but I just realised that when I knew he was going to break up, so I never told him. 

it was completely out of the blue, it crushed me inside out, and guess what? here I am again trying to pick all the pieces ... why does everyone gets to have the perfect life or at least ordinary, and I have the messed up one ? great question ...

I'm reading a lot, and writing a new book (I should finish the first), catching up with my series and trying to stand up for me :)

I'm seeing a therapist because I'm no longer able to deal with all this shit alone .

spreading love (as always),

Bá

walls agains my new cruch

i set up walls against him ... that i didn't even noticed I did... and now here he is , building them down to hurt me again.. after all we are friends and friends do invite each other to go to the movies -.- and say goodnight and send a kiss .. yeah friends do that so I'm going to build this walls really high ... 

I wish these walls would shut up my mind !! I really wished that ... 

and then you say: yup friends be like that

and I state really furious about to cry : I HATE FRIEND ZONE WITH HIM !! arrrrrr 

***

OMG have you seen mockingjay part 1? I'm so excited and I've seen it last Thursday!! I'm a freak , and thg geek :o geez :s 

I can't take of my mind 'the hanging tree' song. I really hope I'm the only sad figure in this world... 

spreading love,

-ba